As I write this Ted Cruz is giving the a press conference from Indiana and it's the damnedest thing I've ever seen. If there is some perfect combination of desperate and honest and stupid that can render sentient life dumbfounded this thing has come pretty close.
There he stands, flanked by Carly "there's a bizarre alternate universe where I'm the Vice President" Fiorina and his wife, taking Donald Trump to task for his bullying nature, pathological lying, and woman-hating insecurity. He's apparently and righteously terrified of a future where his young daughters are exposed to President Trump's open philandering misogyny. "I dread to think of them coming home from school repeating his vile attitudes towards women.".
Fair enough Ted, but you also don't want them coming home with any idea of how to use a condom or a bathroom so let's dispense with the bullshit: Donald Trump is going to be going up against Hillary Clinton in the November election. It's been pretty apparent for some time but tonight's Indiana Primary should render it inevitable.
Sanders will stick around for a while longer - heck, he may even win tonight - but the Democrats' system of proportional delegates means anything less than thunderous, bowel-shattering blowouts in all of the remaining states keeps him so far behind (far further behind Clinton now than she ever was behind Obama in 2008) that a recovery is possible only in a child's imagination.
The surest sign of their doom is their insistence that they're going to take it all the way to a convention even after Clinton clinches it, relying on a sudden change of heart from the same Superdelegates that are an affront to democracy when they're in the other camp. Don't feel bad about it Sanderistsas, Bernie did a remarkable thing going from polling-in-single-digits to actually keeping Clinton on her toes, but it's over now and that party's coalescing around that unlikable stiff is virtually assured.
At any rate, I expect Sanders and the GOP holdouts Cruz and Kasich will all stay in no matter how utterly fucked they are after the Hoosiers are through with them.
I'm ashamed to confess to you readers: he's a Goober but I'm rooting for Ted Cruz tonight. He has almost no hope - his polling has been trending steadily downwards and Trump is likely to triumph handily tonight - but a Cruz win may keep his dying campaign on life support just long enough to deny Trump the support he needs win in the first ballot and give us the nuclear bomb of cable news coverage, a contested convention.
O Discordia, Bitch Goddess of Political Machinations, hear me! Give me a contested Republican convention. If we are to suffer the spectacle of a Trump nomination let us have such a spectacle as to burn our Great Decline into history: days of chaos, rumors and deals, fistfights on the floor, an endless Twitter stream, Cleveland in flames, and news graphics packages big and bright enough to trigger sexual arousal.
If you demand it, I will bring burnt offerings of cigarette ashes to your holy altar of pizza boxes and beer cases from July 18 to the 21, where we will read from the 2016 RNC Rules printed on sheets of blotter acid and take a communion of single malt.
You get whatever you want, just stall Donald a little longer and give us this convention.
