My God we're finally here, the Republican National Convention: a week long debacle that promises to bring us gloriously color-corrected HD images of complete bedlam and catastrophe. And unlike most other Reality TV series, Death of a Political Party is being beamed directly into my amygdala live.
If I'm honest I'm not sure if I'm fully prepared for the ordeal. Closely following a US political convention with an eye towards blogging it is serious business, and if it's worth doing at all, it's worth doing right. Like an expedition climb, it's taken weeks of preparation - quiet meditation with Tibetan monks, stocking up on vitamins, and multiple supply runs to build up a base camp of liquor and cigarettes - to get ready, and by the end I'll be just as exhausted and high on oxygen deprivation as any conqueror of Everest. On Sunday night I took a 15km run and then resolved to drink a bottle of wine; this week is going to be one with few luxuries, and it's wise to start these things with a base alcohol level to thin the blood and train the body.
The whole thing has been surreal right from the start, when Reince Priebus opened the convention with a moment of silence to honor the police officers recently shot and killed in Baton Rouge, while a few blocks away Trump-endorser and Infowars lunatic Alex Jones (whose nonsense views on the New World Order and the 2nd amendment are pretty compatible with cop-killings) hosted a massive rally for delegates to throw of the shackles of the 'globalists' and their chemtrails with a Donald Trump Presidency. Then word came that the Trump motorcade had been involved in a car accident, because there's no such thing as too much symbolism for a week dedicated to binging on American jingoism.
After that was a good old fashioned floor fight over the convention rules, between the Trump team and supporters of Human Turdbag Ted Cruz, though supporters of the failed coup have quickly distanced themselves from the Texas Senator for his own protection (he is, as far as we know, still scheduled to speak on Wednesday and totally isn't being kept in a burlap sack in the cargo hold of the Trump plane).
Last night was cleverly titled Make America Safe Again and featured a number of frantic speakers screaming "Benghazi!" into the microphone, interspersed with guest appearances from other Reality shows like Duck Dynasty and Confessions of a Teen Idol.
True to type, quite a few speakers seemed convinced that it was cowardly weakness of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton that's responsible for Americas allies feeling abandoned. Nevermind the war mongering of Bush-43, Freedom Fries, and "Old Europe". Nevermind the unprecedented increase in drone strikes conducted by the Obama administration (which is still operating the detention centre at Guantanamo Bay, for those of you keeping score at home), or the fact that it was Clinton who had to convince Joe Biden that the US government should shoot Osama bin Laden and dump his body in the ocean. Mewling kittens, all of them.
Somewhat to my surprise, Rudy Giuliani's remarks were remarkably inoffensive. It's great to see that even a man of his age can enjoy a good trip on speed without being thrown off message, I'd have been a jabbering mess after that much Benzedrine. I've never been Mayor of New York, though, so I defer to his obvious experience at trying to maintain.
More than a few speakers talked about how Hillary Clinton had abandoned her duty, how the Democrats had failed to honor the service of veterans, and how much better Donald Trump and the Republicans would be at both of those. I predict this should all work fine as long as nobody tells them that Donald Trump was a draft dodger who only likes veterans that aren't captured or tortured, and they don't see McConnell wrestle a crippled firefighter backstage to recoup 9/11 responder cash. Every second I watch I regret not camping out in Cleveland more and more, this must be an amazing party scene.
Melania Trump was the star attraction for the first night (how she beat Antonio Sabato Jr. for top billing, I'll never know) and delivered her speech with considerable poise, although I couldn't help but notice that the loudest applause seemed to come when she sounded most like a Democrat. Republicans are weird like that - give them a speech about getting everyone to school and protecting the elderly and preventing murderous violence and they'll go nuts over it, foaming at the mouth and howling for more. Actually try to do any of those things and they'll tear your throat out like rabid animals.
As it turns out she lifted the thing from Michelle Obama anyway, an embarrassing bungle the Trump campaign will no doubt try to blame on President Obama's refusal to say "Radical Islamic Terrorism", so I guess that's a wash. So much for her weeks of writing and preparation, next time she should just call Peggy Wente at the Globe and Mail, who I'm sure could turn it around on a tighter deadline.
The show business largely dispensed with, tonight's speakers promise to be even more entertaining for a sauced-up politico like me: Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell will be up to offer the final surrender of the elected Republican Establishment, Ben Carson will put everyone to sleep, and Chris Christie will offer proof that no matter how eagerly you whore yourself out some people are still just going to stuff you under the basement stairs instead of putting you on the ticket. At this rate he'll be lucky if Manafort doesn't harness him up to a gold plated ricksaw and horsewhip him as he pulls Trump and Pence on stage. We all have to lie in the dungpile we've made for ourselves, Chris, at least it's good exercise.
I suspect, however, that the peak for me personally may yet come when Human Turdbag Ted Cruz takes the stage on Wednesday, though, and we finally see just what it looks like to nail shit to a wall. Who knows though? The way this thing is playing out is a fun exercise in chaos. Horrifying, nerve wracking, abuse inducing, and utterly entertaining.
