Publishing this sponsored post should not be construed as an endorsement of any idea discussed therein.
UNBEARABLE OBSTRUCTIONIST SEEKS LUNATIC RUNNING MATE FROM COMPLIMENTARY DEMOGRAPHIC FOR HAIL MARY ATTEMPT AT REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
I'm a lonely Senator from Texas seeking the Presidency of the United States, and I hope you're the lucky man or woman to help me down the righteous path to victory. I may only be on my first term but my reputation for being a massive prick is among the best in DC and I think I have a lot to offer.
Are you an outsider from the Republican Establishment with the kind of history of ruining big companies that can compete with Donald Trump, which would give me faux credibility in the business world?
Have you repeated blatant falsehoods ad nauseum about decadent Godless liberal institutions like Planned Parenthood, and supported my attempts to shutdown the Federal Government of the United States in order to strip that satanic organization of its funding?
Are you willing to kidnap children or delegates in order to secure a win from a contested convention, now that it's mathematically impossible for me to win on the first ballot?
Are you a creepily offputting person who reminds people of an unpleasant animal like a praying mantis, or perhaps a serial killer?
If you answered yes to these questions, and come from a background that could be passed off as electorally competitive against Hilary Clinton to idiots who won't be paying attention, then we should talk.
But not for long and not very often, because I'd hate for my personality to get in the way of our arrangement.
